Inspiration

Pen and paper are pretty simple objects.
I mean, it's not like I'm doing anything great like curing cancer or saving lives or some special project.
And who cares what I have to say, anyway?
Well, I tend to ramble, for one thing
But- maybe I'm helping someone... or something.
NO! I don't want to write anymore
This blue ink pen and I will never even the score;
Despite the lies I let the paper feed me before
Despite my determination to not believe in them anymore.
These words are just collective syllables, nothing more.
And if I do write, I want to hide it like I did before
Because I don't even get it anymore.

       I, am so sick, of sharing.
And who even wants to see inside this soul I'm bearing?
But you know what they say, "sharing is caring",
Well on that note, maybe I'm done caring.
Because at this point, I'm just suck STARING
At the reflection of who I used to be
And I stepped off that stage promising myself, SWEARING
I would never share... another stupid poem.
      Because I froze.
      Because. I. Choked.
I'm just always choking!
I guess I'm really good at choking, at least, that's what I'm hoping
So I could be good at one thing, something,
Something more than just hoping.

I want to keep my mouth shut and bottle it up inside
Then, when I feel the words start to seep and
I'm tempted to speak, instead, I'll swallow it like a knife
I mean, they are just words, right?          Wrong.
If praise and worship is meant to be just a song
Then maybe I'll just play along and pretend
There's not some deeper meaning to the phrases rattling around inside my head,
And maybe I can convince myself that this is actually what God intends.
....But it's not.
It's not just music, and it's not just words
The fact that we've let our focus drift this far is absurd
And we've reduced our faith to nothing more than a caged song bird that is now completely ignored.

So I'll spread my wings and try to fly, but question why
I'm still unable to soar. Well, maybe that's because before
I didn't even understand what I was really aiming for.
Or, if I was actually ready to open the front door.
It's been locked with a dead bolt for a really long time now,
But even if I can't let anybody in just yet, you're still really good at just breaking those barriers down
Sometimes before I'm even prepared to really open my eyes and look around.
But as my God you pick me up off the gound
And help me find that infamous ink pen I call "inspiration",
And convince me once again, despite these circumstances I've been placed in,
To just face them.

And glory be to my God and His renown
And I pray that I honor the privilege it is to portray His crown
By moving past my failures, my insecurities
And befriending that pen once again,
To just suck it up,
          and write it all down.

Reflection: Free Indeed

 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
                                                                                  - John 8:36

Hey guys, I'm reflecting on a few old things and thinking about writing some new things, so I thought I might share a reflection since I haven't written one in awhile. This one is about my piece "Free Indeed".
If you haven't read it yet or don't remember it, this might help you to know what I'm talking about:
        "Free Indeed"

I understand that Free Indeed is a little harder to follow, even for me and I'm the one who wrote it (of course through inspiration, lol).
As a whole, this poem is basically talking about my struggles as a Christian, my relationship with God, and how wishy washy we can be as people (at least I know I can be). I can get really frustrating and discouraged when I think about all the times I fail or go back on my promises or backtrack, but it is so encouraging and reassuring when we realize that God never has that problem. God never fails, He never goes back on His word or promises, and He continues to move forward with us (Thank you, Jesus!).
It took me quite I while to write this piece, which I think might be why it seems to jump and skip around and not flow as much... There are several different times, feelings, and situations reflected in one single poem thrown together in hopes that it will all make sense someday, haha. Unfortunately, that day must not be today because it still throws me off in some places because it has a somewhat rough rhythm. Obviously, I began writing it during a time I was struggling and falling back into old habits and temptations. Again, it is so refreshing to know that God is in and IS everything, and when we allow ourselves to be consumed by Him everything will fall into place according to His will. For some reason, sometimes I forget that... Or I choose to put it in the back of my mind. It's a human thing, I guess.
Something I struggle with sometimes is praying... As silly as that may sound. I know I don't pray as often as I should, and sometimes I go days without talking to God.

"And my vision is blurred as if Your word was unheard
But I heard it! I know it! It's there,
Somewhere inside I just don't know where
Because these lies inside scream and tear
Away at the progress that I've made there.
Why can't I just talk to You? After all that we've been through
As if all of a sudden You would disappear too... But that's not true
I KNOW YOU and Your word is the truth and Your word is You.
So what am I turning to? God. Is it you?"

 The dangerous thing about not keeping yourself in constant contact with God and grounded in scripture is it allows the enemy to get into your mind, and ultimately your life. If you don't fill your head with the truth, there are PLENTY of lies out there that will gladly try to take its place. We're never above temptation, even after we've moved past certain points in our lives where we may have been more vulnerable to one type of temptation or another. Despite all the progress, we can still stumble, which is why it's so critical that we make a conscious effort every day to suit up with the armor of God and keep Him forefront in our minds. I know I'm bad about turning to temporary pleasures and giving into desires of my flesh when I get overwhelmed or feel like I've messed up too many times because they're easy and convenient, but in the long run it just leads to more destruction.

Speaking of temporary pleasure, as people we have a really bad habit of justifying sins because we view them in varying degrees. I'm speaking for myself here, too. I know I've gotten myself stuck in that trap before because I trade out one bad habit for another because it seems better in the long run or easier to hide or easier for other people to understand... But that's where that "slow fade" begins (Casting Crowns reference, fosho). God sees all sin as equal. Don't let yourself justify sin in your life and open the door for the enemy to walk in and have his way with things. Don't end up so far away that you don't even remember how you got there, like I have done so many times in the past.

Towards the end of Free Indeed, I'm mainly describing two different dreams I had. During this time I had a lot of recurring nightmares, but they were progressively getting worse because of my own bad decisions and justifications in my life. I did finally have a sit down with God one night and asked Him to "please freaking help me" (an exact phrase I used when talking to my Creator, I know, eloquent). But he revealed to me that I needed to repent, turn around, and give up everything I was holding onto that were the very things tearing me apart. Of course, being human and kind of silly, I said "okay, well I'm going to go to bed, we'll deal with that tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, I want you to help me and all but I can't do that just yet. We'll fix this tomorrow." If you've seen me procrastinate in school, you should see me when it comes to doing things God asks me to do... I'm not proud of it, but I'm notorious for putting it off if it might be "uncomfortable" or "inconvenient" in my weak, narrow, human eyes.
Anyway, my dream changed again (the ground disappeared, if that helps in case you're trying to follow along with the poem).
After having a sit-down with my best friend, pastor, and his wife discussing the dreams and what I needed to change in my life and how I planned to do it, I decided to stop putting it off. I had another heart-to-heart with God, and some wonderful people praying for me and standing with me as well (I thank God for them so much).
I won't go into detail to explain the dream, especially because there were multiple variations over time, but the final defining moment is something I will never forget.
In that dark room I was in, full of fear and regret and... well evil, a bright light appeared. I mean freaking bright. And the "bad guy's" response? He screamed the most horrifying shriek of a scream I have and will ever hear in my life. And it was over.
I have not had that specific dream since, and I praise God for that because believe it or not I do enjoy sleep.
The ending was also influenced by the song "Set Me Free" by Casting Crowns and the skit/video performed to that song.

I hope this may have given some insight into Free Indeed... and wasn't just as vague and confusing as the poem itself, lol. It helped to remind me of a few good lessons learned, anyway.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14

The Truth

While thumbing through the pages of my journal (where I keep my poems, thinking about posting a few old pieces for kicks), I came across several verses I wrote down for a rainy day, or in this case, a lovely snowy night. Scripture speaks for itself, so enjoy.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.

2Timothy 1:7

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
Romans 10:9

Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.
1Peter 4:10

A gentle word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.
Ephesians 4:2-3

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
1Corinthians 6:19-20

It is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
Philippians 2:13

God will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.
Job 8:21

We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. Therefore we do not give up; even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day.
2Corinthians 4:8-9, 16

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Psalm 19:14

Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant.
Galatians 1:10

But I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father. Rise, let us go from here.
John 14:31

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
Deuteronomy 6:5

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
John 8:36

Happily Ever After (Never Ends)

You promised. You... promised.
You know, I've never been "that girl"; the most relaxed, or the calmest...
But, you promised, and let's be honest, I'm a sucker for a promise.

I once heard that promises kept are promises wasted.
Now what does that even mean?
Is that to say that promises are made to be broken, because if I had known that,
I would have chosen not to open myself up to every lie that was spoken.
And with that same mouth you described it yourself: "Bittersweet poision".
As if there wasn't enough passionate worldly emotion in your voice to warn me that this would be pointless.
If I had only realized the multitude of voices I was really allowing to influence my decisions and choices
Following the lead as if I was voiceless,
But it was those quiet, inaudible moments that were defining;
As if we were responsible for our bodies' designing,
And you could change my future like this fleeting feeling was somehow a silver lining.

So I guess I am "that girl". But aren't most?
Doesn't everyone long to love and be "loved"? (Ugh)
Excuse me if I'm cynical but its pitiful that this same trap has been losing people since the beginning.
Our flesh wants to be satisfied;
It's called "lust".
And instead of using our head, we blindly trust any little physical feeling of "need" that arises in us.

Speaking of trust... You promised there would always be an "us". What happened there?
Let's just say there were plenty more habits, hobbies, and secrets than there were promises,
Most of which I was unaware.
Those secrets became the very reason I'm so scared.

But! What about "the one" who will someday prove they're not all the same?
We've all heard the story a hundred times.
The one who will sweep you off your feet the moment you meet
And in that instant you'll finally feel complete; Nothing else will matter: the past, the future.
The one to erase all the lies, abuse, and compromise.
So, wait. Where's that guy?
It may come as a surprise, but that infamous "Happily Ever After", is not the finish line.

Everyone's searching all their lives for "true love" and meaning through one another's eyes.
I've wasted so much time trying to define my worth in other people's minds.
And I've busied myself questioning God,
"When will you bless me with that person?
Is my faith in your abilities not in proper proportions?
Or am I asking too much? Am I too quick to judge?"

But the GREATEST love story of ALL TIME...
Is already mine.

God demonstrated His own love for us in that while we were still sinner;
While I was distracted, and I overreacted,
              Christ died for us.   For me.
There's really nothing that compares to that kind of love.

You were intricately woven, specifically chosen
To be God's loved one, to inherit His Kingdom.
Now that's a promise.
A promise of redemption and freedom, an opportunity to walk with God like in the garden of Eden.
Can you imagine the mercy, and perfection, and love on His face when we finally get to see Him?

That's a promise worth putting my trust in.