Free Indeed

The scariest realization is that when I stumble, I don't just simply trip and continue walking;
I fall flat on my face and take my sweet time getting up and moving forward.
Everyone's moving forward.
And I'm left alone, wondering what's around the corner
Continuing to ignore and torture the cornerstone
I should be leaning and depending on.
As if You were a something, an object, I could just ignore and pretend You're not there
When I know all too well You are like my air
But I turn to You like You're just some numbered page in a journal
I can flip back and forth as if You're not eternal
And internal is where I keep Your word.

It's like it got lost somewhere in the crawlspaces, or in the shadows
And my vision is blurred as if Your word was unheard
But I heard it! I know it! It's there,
Somewhere inside I just don't know where
Because these lies inside scream and tear
Away at the progress that I've made there.
Why can't I just talk to You? After all that we've been through
As if all of a sudden You would disappear too... But that's not true
I KNOW YOU and Your word is the truth and Your word is You.
So what am I turning to? God. Is it you?
Because I'm looking around me now and from my view
This air is a completely different hue
It's a gray color and it's too thick to see through.
I'm too sick to pull through without You.

So why would I even try?
It's absolutely ridiculous to think that I could accomplish anything
Without You by my side.
No! Not just by my side, but with You as my guide
God I need to put You first in everything I do
And that includes striving to be closer to You
That includes resisting temptation and gaining back my foundation
And if I feel further away from You, I know it's not You who moved.

So how did I end up in this place?
After all that we've faced
I still fell behind and instead of moving past that old path my steps were retraced.
I don't know how I got here
That slow fade can be very unclear.
You justify little things here and there
Until you look back and realize you're off in some place you never intended to be.
I don't want that to be me.

That night I decided to fix things,
More importantly I decided to let God fix things,
To pick me up and begin healing
The mess I allowed the enemy to leave bleeding.
I hit my knees, pleading for God to come in and help me turn back around
I want help... but maybe tomorrow, just not right now
But that ground disappeared beneath me
And I knew my demons wouldn't just release me
The battle isn't between flesh and blood
It's against the forces that drag me through the mud
I'm tired of letting myself get dragged down
But I know I've just got to open my eyes and see the ground

And when that light appeared, he began screaming.
My soul is SO DONE with just dreaming
About the potential victory that will redeem me
God, please, make it a reality.
Save me from myself, because I'm my own worst enemy
Stop the nightmares, stop the dreaming
Because God I just want to let you free me.
Set me free from the chains that are holding me
Jesus, please, rescue me.

God Appointment In My Playlist

Change My Life
Ashes Remain

I’m still awake tonight
broken up inside
I wanna run
but I don’t know where to go
I’m calling Your name
through the pain
Will You turn Your face to me
I’m crying out
I need a miracle

If You could make the sun burn through the night
And You could make the dead man come alive
If You could make the oceans all run dry
Then I know You can change my life
I know You can change my life

I wanna know who You are
that You can fix my heart
And I don’t have to run anymore
Open my eyes
let me see
Give me hope and set me free
Cause I don’t wanna be the way I was before

If You could make the sun burn through the night
And You could make the dead man come alive
If You could make the oceans all run dry
Then I know You can change my life
I know You can change my life

Give me something to believe in
Something worth fighting for
Something that I can’t ignore
You could make the sun burn through the night
You could make the oceans all run dry...

If You could make the sun burn through the night
And You could make the dead man come alive
If You could make the oceans all run dry
Then I know You can change my life
I know You can change my life

I need you to change my life
I need you to change my life

Dear Anonymous: One

I want to post a new blog, but I'm still working on a poem right now... I guess. Ish. Whatever. Anyways, I used to have a blog on a very outdated social networking site (we won't mention any names, but it rhymes with "thy face") and I wrote a series of letters. I didn't include who they were to, that would be too... logical. Instead, I just wrote away and sometimes they actually pertained to the people who read what I wrote. Sometimes it didn't. Sometimes they were even to myself (don't judge). It doesn't matter, that's irrelevant. Sometimes you just have to put down some words.

To whom it may concern,

I appreciate you more than you'll ever know. I miss you very, very much. I wish you lived closer by. It's weird thinking back to middle school; that time period feels like a fairy tale anymore... Like none of that really happened, but it's a nice story to tell; it feels surreal. Sometimes I wish it was just some nice story to tell to convince kids not to make bad choices or to appeal to them if they need someone to talk to. Ya know, "I can relate, I've been there, I'm here for you". But nah, middle school was a ridiculous handful of years that overwhelmed everyone, I think. Thank you so much for being there for me through all that. Middle school's weird, people get all drama-obsessed and a reality beyond crayons kind of sinks in (slowly or quickly, depending on the person's circumstances, apparently). It's so crazy to think back on how dramatic everyone was about everything. Dating and gossip and all that; I never really got into that, and I think it's calmed down in high school, but then again I've never been very involved in all of that. Like I said back then, I had enough "real drama" outside of school to occupy my thoughts, I didn't need to make some at school in addition. I always laughed with that comment, but it was true. You were so real with me. You always listened and all that, but you also spoke up when I needed a reality check, or when I was just being stupid (I'm sorry I screwed up the kool-aid, and I still think you were way to entertained by my dad hitting me in the face with a snow ball). I wonder if our phone bills were ever super high? Granted we talked on house phones and we lived in the same area so it's not like long distance was an issue. I wish long distance wasn't an issue now. It doesn't matter how often we talk or see each other, it's like nothing has changed when we do eventually get the opportunity to hang out. You're so funny. Why are you insecure? I know everyone is to a certain extent but come on, you've always had a line-up of ladies behind you waiting for a chance to catch your eye, and you've still always been so unsure of yourself. You're a charming, intelligent, entertaining individual, my friend, and I think you should definitely give yourself more credit. Once again, thank you for being so patient and straight up. It's excessive how many inside jokes we have. Remember when we wrote them all down? We... created a lot of lists (hinting towards another insider, ya know, "The List").

Sincerely,
Me.