Temptation

I saw a spider today.
I stopped dead in my tracks, and in fact,
I wondered how badly it would hurt if I asked him to play.
If I tried to make him my friend, would he tickle my arm and distract my pain?
Or, would he crawl into my life and bite me the way the world has?
As I stood there sinking into my thoughts,
I wondered how badly it would hurt if I tried to be friends.
I guess it just depends on how willing I am to focus on the pain.
Or maybe it would be more dulling,
And my black widow friend could help numb the apathy I'm trying to maintain.

It's true, I miss you, it's been so, so long
But every time you visit you bring temptation with you
And I realize it's all just so wrong.

Who am I kidding? You ARE temptation!
Just the slightest mention or reminder of you
And I instantly think back to that sensation.
What a relief it was to have you around,
Knowing if anything went wrong you would catch my break down.

...But, you were my break down.
What a great friend you are!
You hid my feelings beneath a crimson mask of shame and regret.
I could just reach out to you, followed by a cigarette and then all that's left is to try to forget.
I can't forget.
I've blamed you for so many years.

In reality, it isn't even  you.
It's my own collection of weaknesses and fears.
I'm having an allergic reaction to myself, and I need to change gears.
My salvation isn't based on me, or my ability to do anything.
It's based on grace.
It's based on my Lord's willingness to remove the weights of history and sin,
And he is more than willing.

I saw a spider today,
And I told him, "goodbye".
I went on my way and just passed him by
Without looking back, without regret.
I haven't reached the end of the road yet,
But I've narrowed my path and I've focused my view.
In all sincerity, old "friend",
I don't miss you.

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My minds been in a slightly darker place lately, which is probably where this came from. This poem's about a spider I came across one day while going back and forth between houses. I was so frustrated with everything going on around me, but as I was walking out the front door I looked up and noticed a huge black widow staring down at me. I stopped, and sincerely thought about what would happen if I tried to hold it or something (foolish, I know). I was very overwhelmed at the time, and I was also struggling with some old habits I had to cope with things. I was also trying to figure out how to rekindle my relationship with a once very close family member of mine who was visiting at the time, but I wasn't exactly sure I could influence her positively enough without her having a negative influence on me. When I got home that night, I wrote down a couple of lines about my odd thoughts regarding the spider. Lately I've been revisiting some old thoughts, and I gave a brief testimony to a youth group on my 18th birthday last weekend. Needless to say, I've done some backtracking, but this time it turned out constructive and instead of stumbling, I resorted to poetic reflection instead; a much better coping mechanism, in my opinion. This poem is about a spider. It's about old friends, temptation, addiction, and change. 

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14

-Danny